near the end

I worked from home today. It seemed the best way to deal with the fact that I was up from 12 midnight to about 5:45 a.m. having contractions. I slept from 5:45 to 7:00 a.m. Then my alarm went off and I quickly realized professional attire and facing my co-workers were not in the cards. (The contractions have completely gone away, by the way. My doctor's office didn't seem to care and said they were Braxton-Hicks. I disagreed, as they were totally different from the BH contractions I've been having for months, and I could not sleep through them. But obviously they were not the real thing!) Anyway, I had my laptop at home and all my work files, and billed just as many hours at home as I do during a normal day. I wish I could do that every day - except I really can't until Jan. 21. That's the day when all my obligations - the trial, hearing, and settlement facilitation I have all in the coming week - will finally be over and I can just piddle around at home writing briefs and letters and stuff. Boy, I can't wait.

I know I'm not indispensable at work - far, far from it - and I know that if I were to have our daughter right now the world would go on spinning just as it should. But quite frankly, I will feel about 1000% more relaxed when these three things are behind me! And I know I won't feel very relaxed even then - because, let's face it, there isn't a lot to get your brain spinning a hundred miles a minute like the thought that any day, you could be a parent.* So imagine how worked up I must feel now with all these silly court appearances to contend with.

* Funny story: Seth and I went to a breastfeeding class tonight. At some point, the narrator said, "Parents, don't forget to..." and my first thought was "why are they addressing my parents?!" Then I realized: oh. They are talking to us. Yup.

christmas odds & ends

We had a nice Christmas. I guess. I have been in quite a funk for about a week now, since I heard that Emilie's condition was rapidly deteriorating. Things like my 31st birthday or our last child-free Christmas don't seem all that important when a dear friend is dying... or, far worse, when a family is losing its beloved wife and mother.

And yet. Emilie inspires me, as she did in life, to embrace the small moments of living. And so, I delighted in watching my adorable husband conduct his children's choir on Christmas Eve (complete with 3-year-old Eleanor, whom I would love to scoop up and take home with us)... partaking in traditional Norwegian foods (meatballs & lefse, no lutefisk) for dinner... singing a midnight service of beloved carols... feeling more moved by the candelit "Silent Night" more than I have in years past... cuddling with my husband and kittens under a twinkling tree...

I have heard so much this year about how this Christmas was going to be drearier and more bleak than Christmases past. I suppose that had much to do with the economy, lost jobs, fewer gifts, worries about the future. We are fortunate to still have jobs and prospects, but we didn't do too much in the way of gift-giving this year either, in the name of saving for my upcoming maternity leave. And certainly, despite 2-year-old Daniel's proclamation a week ago that "Christmas is coming!", this Christmas was likely not a happy one for a particular family in St. Paul.

But it always seems to me that the holidays - I'm thinking of Christmas and Easter here - are much richer in meaning when colored by the sorrow as well as the joy of life. I felt this about our wedding, too: my brother's death two months prior made our marriage a much more complex celebration of life and love than it would have been otherwise. Without a family's sorrow, a wedding can be just about flowers and cake. With it, a wedding can become a concrete reminder of God's promise to bind up our family at all times in our life together.

And in the same way, the promise of Christmas (and ultimately Easter, for us the much bigger holiday) is all the sweeter when we know what enemy we're up against. I am abundantly thankful that the measure of Christmas, for us at least, is not about Santa and gifts under the tree. And wonderful though they are, it's not even about family togetherness or the ways we hope to make Christmas memorable for our children. I shed more than a few tears this Christmas, not just for Emilie but, of course, for Eric and others now gone from my life. And yet the knowledge that my tears will one day be wiped away makes Christmas precious for me, no matter how much sorrow I have to endure until then.

emilie in the news

Emilie's story*A story about Emilie's blog appeared on the front page (above the fold!) of the Sunday Pioneer Press today. Check it out here.

I also enjoyed this blog entry, also by the Pioneer Press writer.

*At first, I wrote "Emilie's story," but this article really isn't that - as with any of us who have an internet presence, large (Emilie's) or small (mine), there is so much more to my dear friend than that which appeared on her blog! I thought the article was interesting for its balanced picture of the pros and cons of blogging - I confess to feeling a lot of the same emotions as were expressed in the article by some of her other real-life friends, and once asked her whether all the blogger notoriety was getting to her. I think that it did, but I know she got a lot out of blogging all the same. The attention from people who didn't know Emilie is admittedly somewhat strange and overwhelming... but at the same time, I am glad to know she touched so many people in her all-too-brief life.

at peace

I am very sad to report that Emilie passed away in her sleep last night. She went very quickly - the decision to enter hospice was made just six days before her death. It seemed at the time that she had perhaps months left, but that was not to be. Our hearts break for Steve, Daniel, & Benjamin, and for her parents, brothers, & sisters... but we are so glad she is now free from suffering. As my mother said to me this morning, there is one more angel singing with the heavenly host tonight.

I've been thinking about her constantly for the past few days since we got the news that the end was near. There is so much I could say about Emilie and what a devoted friend, amazing wife & mother, talented writer, and loving person she was. She was a rock for me after Eric's death, after my first engagement ended, during our journey to have a baby. But I suspect she was that way for everyone; anyone who knew her has a "how Emilie made my life better" story. She made my life richer, happier, and more authentic - that much is certain. But she also made it sillier and more spontaneous, as the following memory will attest!

When the series finale of Sex and the City was about to air, Emilie and I were distraught. We both loved the show, but unfortunately, we were a little late to the party - we only got to see new episodes after they came out on DVD, since neither of us had HBO. But we just couldn't wait until the last season was released on DVD... we knew everyone would be talking about it and we just had to be part of the hype. I think there were plenty of Twin Cities bars and restaurants hosting SATC parties where you could go sip Cosmos and watch the finale with other maniacal fans, but for some reason that didn't seem to be an option for us. Instead, we decided that the only possible solution was to find a cheap motel that offered HBO and rent a room for a couple of hours. So, we each threw in $25, stopped off at a liquor store to buy Cosmopolitan fixings, and arrived at a very seedy motel near the fairgrounds that had assured us they carried HBO. We got there about an hour early so we could mix our vodka and cranberry juice, and spent some time speculating about how Carrie and Big would end up (and I think we may have also jumped on the bed - we were so excited!). After sobbing our way through the one-hour series retrospective and the one-hour finale, we emerged from our room, teary-eyed, half-empty bottle of vodka in hand, and left. (Don't worry - we weren't too tipsy to drive.) We giggled all the way home at the thought of what the motel receptionist must have been thinking!

Emilie was much luckier in love than Carrie, however... she was really much more of a Charlotte. (Post-Harry, that is.) I love this shot of Emilie & Steve at their beautiful wedding in May 2003. What an incredible day that was...

I love you & will miss you, my sweet friend. We rejoice that you are at peace.

prayers for emilie

Please say a prayer for my dear friend Emilie and her beautiful family today. Em: know that you, Steve, Daniel, & Ben are in our hearts and prayers.

focus? what's that?

Yesterday was my last (scheduled) hearing until January 14. (Of course, emergencies are bound to pop up around the holidays, but still.) This is a good thing on many levels, not the least of which is that my level of concentration is plummeting. Although I did manage to write a letter and review a parenting plan this morning, I also spent an embarrassing amount of time researching which detergent is best for washing cloth diapers in a high-efficiency washer. (If you are interested, my criteria are safety for sensitive skin, cost per load, and availability at our grocery store. So far the winner is Seventh Generation Delicate Care. ETA: Okay, would you believe Delicate Care is the only variation of Seventh Generation not carried at our local store? Instead I got Ecos Free & Clear.)

We had a wonderful time in Minnesota this past weekend -- the highlights were my baby shower and the St. Olaf Christmas Festival! It was a very emotionally-charged weekend, especially because the opening piece of the Festival was The Gift, which was commissioned in memory of Eric. It was pretty amazing, and a tremendous honor, that that piece was included in a beloved tradition (97 years and counting!) that has been a part of my life since I was young. And, of course, the shower was all that baby showers should be! There were precious pink outfits, board books galore, and a perfectly orchestrated four-course tea. What more could a mama-to-be ask for?

I am so looking forward to this weekend -- it is going to be uncharacteristically quiet for Advent. No rehearsals, no concerts... how did we get so lucky? So instead we'll be doing some projects around the house to get ready for Baby Hartwell's arrival, and maybe even finally decorating our tree (with plenty of feline help, I'm sure). Personally, I'm also planning to sleep a lot. People keep telling me I should be doing a lot of that these days!

how cute is this?

If you're in the market for a child's play kitchen (and have a lot of time/skill to spare), check this out - you can make your own kitchen with stuff from IKEA! Ingenious.